So I have been away from this thing for almost two weeks. I’m not one for excuses so I’ll just fill you in on what you’ve missed. Me on a plane back to Los Angeles. No place to live. No full-time job to work. No car to drive. No money to spend. Me sleeping on couches with nothing but hopes and dreams and probably a ton of delusion that this time will be different from when I left eight months ago to finish this Masters degree to be a librarian. My parents wanted to me to stay in Florida while I looked for work – they thought a supportive environment would be helpful - I knew better than to fall for that. It’s when you put it all on the line that you prevail.
I won’t bore you with the heartache that is in LA as well – my ex has moved on to dating someone ten years younger than me, yet my stuff still consumes the house we lived in together that he probably brings her to. How LA, right? So, instead of just moving forward, I have to constantly deal with the past, which is the toughest part in all of this – the emotional garbage that fills the trash can that was that life. Well, that and the lack of library jobs available right now. After working for free in libraries for the last year as an intern and a volunteer hoping to impress someone enough to get them to then hire me, I find I was naïve in thinking they had the power.
The library field is not PR – I can’t talk my way into this one, ignoring all no’s until people just do what I want them to do out of pure exhaustion. The library field is not acting – I can’t just turn in a headshot and hope I have the right look for the part. The library field is not stand-up comedy – I can’t just win over the audience by a killer impression or a witty punch line. The library application process is ‘legal’ and ‘by the book’ – which frustrates me and makes me feel hopeless since my personality is usually what sells, not my resume (regardless of how good I think it looks.) Plus, the process is long. You sometimes have two months to submit applications and then another two months for the committee to interview the candidates.
Who has time for this? I do – because I am making ME a priority again.
Everything has changed. I have changed. I am certainly smarter – the Masters degree is an example of that – but I am stronger in ways I never knew I could be. I want to work harder than I ever have in my life – and I have worked pretty hard over the years. I want to do whatever I can to make my dreams come true, not depending on anyone for anything. I am no longer someone who thinks I am entitled to anything – not a couch, not a job, not a friend. And that has made all of the difference. I no longer have high expectations for others, just for myself. Plus I smile more now. I am amazed just how much I smile – even when there is nothing but obstacles in my way or insensitive jerks that won’t let me sleep on my own couch. Maybe it is because I am happier or maybe it is just because there is no place to go but up. So this time, I know I will succeed.
And I already have.
In one week, I have worked every single day, while securing two additional jobs and applying for twenty more, should those fall through. I have had friends open the doors to their small apartments to allow me to sleep on their couches while at the same time lending an ear when I have a moment of doubt. And just so we are clear, a moment of self-pity is all I allow. I don’t have the time for anything more.
I am very sorry that nothing about this post is about the field of librarianship or making you laugh but since my mission with this blog is to offer you insight into the journey that is my life, I had to share it with you.
One last thing…
I started my first PR job in NYC ten years ago on July 10, 2000 – a decision that changed the direction of my life forever – but that is a whole other blog. I celebrated by buying a hundred dollar keychain at Tiffany, where I had the date and the word ‘Believe’ engraved on it. I wanted a reminder that my dream of moving to NYC was an example that anything is possible, even when the odds seem like they are against you. What people don’t realize is that I have always been a librarian, with or without the degree. For years, I have utilized the free information that surrounds all of us – using it to survive, reassess my dreams, and reinvent myself, all while trying to remaining hopeful in a world that sometimes seems lost. I’ve carried that ‘Believe’ keychain for ten years but have forgotten to look at it. Till now…