Monday, December 12, 2011

It's a Wonderful Lifetime

“You broke the rules of my house and you broke the rules of my office, and then on top of all of that, you lied about it.  The truth is, you saved my company.  Thank you.  
Its Christmas, come on in.” 
Boss lady in “A Nanny for Christmas”

With Christmas just around the corner and no job to go to or car to drive, I have been spending most of my days being entertained by the endless holiday films on “It’s a Wonderful Lifetime,” because if you ever need a Christmas miracle, a marathon of Hallmark movies is a sure way to convince you they exist…if only in unrealistic storylines.

I just finished watching the one about the high-powered career woman who loses her job over a misunderstanding just before Christmas, then gets dumped by her boyfriend/fiancé but ends up meeting the man of her dreams a few days later - first at a coffee shop, then at a soup kitchen - where they fall in love until she learns he lied about being insanely rich so they have a huge fight where somebody goes to the airport on Christmas Eve and then the other follows, where at the gate they both suddenly realize that lying or even knowing each other isn’t that big of a deal, so decide to spend Christmas getting married where somehow everybody’s family is suddenly there and it is snowing. 

Wait.  That sounds just like…all of them? 

But who doesn’t love the one with Tori Spelling as Scrooge?  Or Kristen Chenoweth as a NYC PR executive who gets fired and can only get a job doing PR in Montana.  Or my favorite, “A Nanny for Christmas,” the one that stars the lead actor from “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.”  No, not Ryan Reynolds, he’s successful.  I mean the other one, what’s his name?  Anyway, he is the love interest of this girl who is an ad executive who gets fired and mistakenly becomes a nanny, then gets fired again because she lied about being an ad executive.  Why did the lady hiring and firing this girl not read her resume?  If she is supposedly running a successful ad agency, I would think reading copy would be critical, but that’s not the worst part, Dean Cain is in it.  Remember him?  Well, “Lois & Clark’s” Superman now has four scenes in a Hallmark movie.  Jeez, I think that is the saddest thing about these silly movies, having to see all of these actors who once had promising careers, reduced to this.

And that’s when it hit me.  A lot of really good-looking people get fired…but we can always count on Hallmark to pick up the pieces.  What is the ad slogan?  “When you care enough to send the very best.”  See, that is probably what Dean Cain’s agent said to get him to do the film.  Well, that and a huge paycheck, I would guess.  The point is, Dean was the best name in that thing!  It is still crap but Hallmark tells us to be the best crap you can possibly be, or something like that.  Anyway, what I am trying to say is that we all used to have careers or jobs that didn’t work out because of a misunderstanding…like refusing to get a cappuccino because you can’t froth the milk, or you backed a Fed Ex truck into a tree trying to make a three-point turn.  So what.  You cared enough to accept the job, care enough to suck at it!  Then leave that job with your head held high knowing you could always wear your uniform at Halloween.

And Hallmark also tells us that romance is all around!  Who hasn’t met somebody at an airport, a coffee shop or soup kitchen, secretly hoping they might be really rich and sweep you off your feet?  And so what if that rich guy ended up being a homeless guy in a donated Ralph Lauren sweater.  He probably used to be but you were just too late and some other golddigger beat you to it.  Everybody makes mistakes and Lifetime is right, it is a wonderful lifetime because life is full of wonderful mistakes, misunderstandings, and times with people who both stink and don’t stink.  There are Christmas miracles happening all around us, you just have to believe…and having a ton of free time on your hands certainly helps.

For example, just the other day I was standing in line for coffee and this guy says to me, “I’ve never met anyone like you.”  I couldn’t believe it!  It was the exact line from the ten Hallmark movies I had seen, plus because I had recently lost my job, this was obviously the part where I was meeting the man of my dreams!  I adjusted my plaid holiday scarf and reindeer antlers and turned to meet my Dean Cain.  I suppose he was kind of like Superman.  They both had dark hair, but this one was frowning and holding a snowman mug over his head like a weapon.  I guess I had cut him in line and he wasn’t pleased, but how was I supposed to know?  This stupid antler headband is like wearing blinders.  You can’t see a thing.  Oh well, so he wasn’t “the one” and unlike the films, didn’t want to laugh about it and go ice-skating in the park.  I mean Sabrina the Teenage Witch kidnaps Slater in “Holiday in Handcuffs” and they still ended up together, so I don’t know what this guy’s problem was.

Oh well, no need to panic.  I don’t leave for the airport till the 19th so I’ve got plenty of time to fall in and out of love before rushing off to my plane, where Dean Cain will suddenly appear at the gate to prevent me from going.  Hopefully we will live happily ever after…in a galaxy far, far away.  Shoot.  That is “Star Wars.”  I really need to stop watching TV.  

Or if this doesn’t work out, be a nanny. 

Link to It’s a Wonderful Lifetime:

Link to Hallmark Channel holiday movies:

However, if you need some help this holiday season...