Today I am sick. I woke up with a sore throat, stuffed up nose and my head in a fog. It is only under these conditions that I am forced to stop multi-tasking and just be still. Yet in between sneezes, I try to sew a scarf or write a parody song and yes, apply for a library job because I know that for people like me, there are no days off. I don’t get paid for sick days or vacations so I can’t justify allowing a little thing like a head cold prevent me from producing some kind of result in one of my many projects. So here I am writing on this blog in an effort to be productive while at the same time feeling somewhat weak that I am not strong enough to be doing more.
When I am sick, I am at my most vulnerable. I want to quit. I feel guilty, then shame from realizing I have allowed a month to go by without sharing anything on here. Perhaps those words of ‘vulnerability,’ ‘guilt,’ and ‘shame’ are on the tip of my tongue because I was just introduced to Brene Brown and her book Daring Greatly, thanks to a friend I haven’t seen in five years who I ran into at yet another funeral. Great book and I mean no offense to Brown, but I’ve been ‘daring greatly’ my whole life. Putting myself out in the world – flaws and all - has never been a problem for me, I was born courageous. The problem I have is functioning in a world when most people are afraid of your courage as a result of their own insecurities. Try applying for a job working for those people! Impossible.
I don’t do what I do because I think I am funny or talented or smart. I do it because I don’t have a choice. I don’t fit in anywhere else. I've tried (and I keep trying) but at the end of the day, I’m certainly not going to let my skills and experiences go to waste. Just last week I went on an interview and two minutes in I knew I wouldn’t get the job. I had overwhelmed people yet again. You think? While most people just work 40-hour weeks, I work all of them – without the use of drugs or alcohol. Even when I sleep, I dream about what I have yet to do and just how I might be able to accomplish it. My creative mind never stops, nor my need to live life to the fullest. I just wish sometimes the voices of doubt in my head would shut the hell up so I can accomplish even more. I also wish I had some help once in awhile.
So it should be no surprise that I am here on a Sunday, a bowl of chicken noodle soup resting next to my keyboard, utilizing my courage to will myself back to health so I can continue on this often-difficult road of being a creative person with no idea where she is going with any of it. Two days ago, I finally finished editing my new “Stand-Up Librarian Sizzle Reel” that showcases my work and features footage from various shows and videos from the past year. Apparently you need these short, 3-minute reels to get bookings and show people who you are. Right, because then they will understand…
***For a direct link to the video, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ghc6XLv0uo