Sunday, March 3, 2013

Sick of Daring Greatly


Today I am sick.  I woke up with a sore throat, stuffed up nose and my head in a fog.  It is only under these conditions that I am forced to stop multi-tasking and just be still.  Yet in between sneezes, I try to sew a scarf or write a parody song and yes, apply for a library job because I know that for people like me, there are no days off.  I don’t get paid for sick days or vacations so I can’t justify allowing a little thing like a head cold prevent me from producing some kind of result in one of my many projects.  So here I am writing on this blog in an effort to be productive while at the same time feeling somewhat weak that I am not strong enough to be doing more. 

When I am sick, I am at my most vulnerable.  I want to quit.  I feel guilty, then shame from realizing I have allowed a month to go by without sharing anything on here.  Perhaps those words of ‘vulnerability,’ ‘guilt,’ and ‘shame’ are on the tip of my tongue because I was just introduced to Brene Brown and her book Daring Greatly, thanks to a friend I haven’t seen in five years who I ran into at yet another funeral.  Great book and I mean no offense to Brown, but I’ve been ‘daring greatly’ my whole life.  Putting myself out in the world – flaws and all - has never been a problem for me, I was born courageous.  The problem I have is functioning in a world when most people are afraid of your courage as a result of their own insecurities.  Try applying for a job working for those people!  Impossible.

I don’t do what I do because I think I am funny or talented or smart.  I do it because I don’t have a choice.  I don’t fit in anywhere else.  I've tried (and I keep trying) but at the end of the day, I’m certainly not going to let my skills and experiences go to waste.  Just last week I went on an interview and two minutes in I knew I wouldn’t get the job.  I had overwhelmed people yet again.  You think?  While most people just work 40-hour weeks, I work all of them – without the use of drugs or alcohol.  Even when I sleep, I dream about what I have yet to do and just how I might be able to accomplish it.  My creative mind never stops, nor my need to live life to the fullest.  I just wish sometimes the voices of doubt in my head would shut the hell up so I can accomplish even more. I also wish I had some help once in awhile.

So it should be no surprise that I am here on a Sunday, a bowl of chicken noodle soup resting next to my keyboard, utilizing my courage to will myself back to health so I can continue on this often-difficult road of being a creative person with no idea where she is going with any of it.  Two days ago, I finally finished editing my new “Stand-Up Librarian Sizzle Reel” that showcases my work and features footage from various shows and videos from the past year.  Apparently you need these short, 3-minute reels to get bookings and show people who you are.  Right, because then they will understand…

 ***For a direct link to the video, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ghc6XLv0uo



6 comments:

Unknown said...

YOU are always fabulous and creative and funny and nice to be with, whether on stage or off.
We miss you in acting class, you need to get out more.
Did you get my note that the
City of Pin Pk is looking for a Librarian?
Love you
Corinne

Meredith Myers said...

Thank you Corinne - that is very nice of you to say. I miss you too & hope to see you soon...

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